Why I’m Glad I was Fired from Waldorf

I have this REALLY bad habit of hanging on to relationships that have long past met their expiry date, so I’m grateful I was fired. I can only imagine what I would have gone through next, in an attempt to please the parents and administration.

Of course, I knew this intellectually. But resentment, anger, confusion, pity, and depression are Imodium A-D like emotions.  They are just symptoms of the problem.

This is going to sound weird, but getting fired gave me something to go after, to look for. I ran down many roads but at least I was being active. I had to figure out what went wrong. And I had to find something new to do with my life because Waldorf was a relationship, a place, a time in my life, I couldn’t go back to. 

I mean that’s the good thing about bad things happening to us. It makes us question the status quo. What I’m thinking of is my father’s death, when I was six. His death forced me to think about religion, the afterlife, if it exists and so on.

I’m not saying it’s great when bad things happen. I don’t need to sing a song about it or get metaphysical. I’m just saying, getting fired made me THINK in new ways, in other ways and I was also able to relate to folks on another level. It was like being indoctrinated into a club of sorts. OH, you got fucked over too?

This story has been an interesting crossroads where folks have emailed me privately about some pretty personal stuff. Why? Because we’re in the same club. Or they’re worried about getting into the club. Now it’s not a club I was even looking to get into but all the same, it’s not a bad place to be because scars only last as long as you care to notice them.

And let’s face it. Waldorf is a little weird. I mean, c’mon. This is not to say there aren’t some excellent aspects to it. I was attracted to whole brain learning and I still am. The curriculum is alternative but really a throwback to a time when we actually believed in the importance of the ARTS.

But the anthroposophy stuff really needs to be taken in and scrutinized like any other philosophy.  We can’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse for piss poor behavior. Don’t tell me it was my karma to get fired. And I won’t say it’s yours to be fat, ugly and stupid.

I know that sounds horrible. But it’s this simplification of KARMA or even the belief that I deserved this that makes me angry. Because to say that it’s your karma to be fired, [to be whatever] shows a real lack of compassion and in this global community, responsibility.

And don’t ever say it’s the child’s karma…

All this to say, I’m glad Waldorf didn’t work out. Getting fired gave me the chance to reevaluate a pedagogy, a belief system and an educational framework that needs to take a break from its dogmatic and exclusive tendencies. And - to ask myself, is this something I really want to be a part of?

Thank you Waldorf Watch

Uh, so I know I've been gone, for like, EVER, but I've been busy at Tell-Thai Heart. (Quit with the excuses woman!) But that doesn't stop people from sharing their Waldorf experiences or regarding questions.

And it's unbelievably nourishing and helpful. Thank you.

Okay, so why am I writing? Well, my latest email told me she heard about me through WaldorfWatch.com, so I FINALLY went looking for the exact entry and this is what I found:

Yeah! I know. I'm amazing. And the quote! *blush, blush* Thank you Waldorf Watch.

I try to be objective and not anti-Waldorf but shucks, if you keep saying things like this about me - well - I just might have to change my mind ;)

Where I'm at

I’m in a writers group. And I’ve been reading this blog book to them. As a result, this book has become a joy again and not something I’m just trying to finish and trudge through.

Prior to that, when I thought I was finished, I had 3 dear friends read everything cover to cover and give me valuable advice, opinions and grammar pointers! So I have been re-reading it, editing it and posting the updated version, which you can see under ‘chapters’ on the right side.

My goal was to have this finally put to rest by the end of 2012 but the writers group has encouraged me to take my time. And I must say I feel extremely blessed to have readers and listeners from different English speaking countries and women from their 20s to their 80s give me their feedback and thoughts.

We honestly have each decade represented in our all-women’s writers group (well, from me up)! I remember I put the advertisement out there and forgot about it when no was interested. Then Catherine contacted me, we met, then she introduced me to other fine ladies. Folks came and went as the expat community goes. The group died and then it was picked up again and now it is flourishing.

Also.

It’s interesting. This blog book is no longer the catharsis or burden it once was, instead it’s become a way to connect with people. I had a nice young man email me towards the end of last year, and we met because he also lives in Chiang Mai and wanted to ask about being a Waldorf teacher!

I hear there is a eurthymy teacher living on my street somewhere!? I have yet to meet him but my friend Ingrid knows him. And one of the dear ladies from the writers group just told me her friend in Lampang was a Waldorf teacher. She wants to meet me and I can’t wait to dish!

All this to say, I’m not sure what will happen when I am finished finished with this blog book, so in the meantime I will enjoy the walk down the road this Waldorf experience is taking me.

Touchy Parents

Parents act REALLY touchy and touché when you bring up any thoughts, suggestions or advice regarding their parenting. I understand. I used to feel that way about my teaching. But the difference with teaching is usually you are having a planned discussion about your teaching style. And as I have gained more experience, I know how to separate the chaff from the rice.

My friend Jen posted on Facebook about a couple of women watching and commenting on her husband’s “rough” handling of their child. She was pissed because she knows her husband is a good father and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize their son’s health and safety. Gender stereotyping  Nevertheless, I thought Jen’s angry reaction was interesting considering her easygoing personality.

During an all-women’s writers group, I mentioned this incident. And one of the women mentioned how she would always get nervous when her husband threw or tossed their child in the air and how a cartoon made her laugh about it. The cartoon showed the child’s perception of the distance between father and him – too close to daddy, and the mother’s perception which was the baby being tossed up to the ceiling.

Then the women started talking about how those women were just being “over protective” as is in their nature, and how they would understand Jen getting upset because the father’s behavior shows a reflection of her mothering. And when I mentioned Jen is a doula, they were like, Okay! It all makes sense now!!!!

I recently posted this article on FB from Details magazine called, Are you raising a douche bag? And surprisingly, my brother got really agitated by it. In fact, as I type, I can see he is responding to our discussion because I thought the article was good and he did not.

One of the things that bothered me about Waldorf was I knew I was working with entitled or rich kids. Waldorf education is an expensive one. Now let me be clear, I know we want to give our children the best but I come from a different background. I’d put my family on the low-middle class scale, blue collar, and spare the rod spoil the child kind of thing.

I also come from an ethnically diverse State, Hawaii, so I was also very aware of the lack of “color” or diversity in my classroom and the school. Heck, Portland is pretty monochromatic. I felt the class or economic differences created a lot of misunderstandings between me and the parents, and maybe even some of the faculty too.

I used to get incensed over politics, I still get stupid angry over drivers, and like any asshole without kids, I certainly have options about childrearing. I guess because I’ve been reared before.

One of the biggest criticisms I received as a young Waldorf teacher was I didn’t have any children, so what could I possibly know about them.  This deeply hurt because I loved my students as if they were my own and had dedicated myself to teaching. Enter sob story here.

Now I just think, “You are absolutely right.”  All I know is from what I see and observe when I’m in the classroom or when I’m interacting with your child. I realize parents want to be held accountable for the brilliant and great things their child does and congress a “hands off policy” when their child behaves badly. I’d be the same way I’m sure.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned from my failed Waldorf experience, from watching my friends and family raise kids, from teaching English in foreign countries, it’s this: R E L A X your balls. Breathe. Don’t take everything so seriously.

Folks are going to have many opinions and thoughts about you that you might feel are mostly false and downright wrong but there is nothing you can do to change it. Trust me, I’ve tried.

I can only say this now because I wonder how my Waldorf career would have turned out had I been more understanding, compassionate and less touchy.  This is not to validate or justify what some of the faculty and parents did, but I don’t think wishing you were more compassionate and understanding is a bad thing. Or is it?